Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
