I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
