im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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