Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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