The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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