I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
