I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i love accidental penises.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You blew him?!?!
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!