If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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