Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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