Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
