Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
