I accidentally had phone sex last night
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
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A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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