11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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