i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bar mat shot.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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