So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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