hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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