If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
