Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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