Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
