Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
