false alarm. still invincible.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
