just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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