1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Boobs are out for the taking
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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