no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
