Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
