I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
