The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
