Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
