You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
