Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
