My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
