Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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