break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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