When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
