when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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