I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
