I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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