Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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