Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
