Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
