Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
