My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
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I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Who died my cat blue again?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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