He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
