I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
