After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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