I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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