I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
