You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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