When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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