Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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