i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
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Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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