I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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