Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
