my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize