Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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