Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
