I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
